Is that an optical illusion, or does it just look like one?
Why can teenagers so easily learn to operate a car, but, can't operate a lawnmower?
Before they made you, they must have broken the mold!!
The psychic fair has been cancelled due to unforeseen difficulties.
An optimist is a guy without much experience.
If at first you don't succeed, well, so much for skydiving!!
My garden was so bad this year, I finished it off in one sitting.
My clothes are so old, they've been in style three times!
As soon as I learned to spell "library", they changed it to "Media Center"
A modest man is much admired - if people hear of him.
Love many, Trust few - Always paddle your own canoe!
I bet I can stop gambling!
If a vampire can't see his reflection, how does he shave?
Most mothers give a choice for menus for supper: Take it or Leave it!
The trouble with life is there's no plot!
A synonym is a word that you use in place of one you can't spell.
There's more juice in the grapefruit than meets the eye.
If you think that your rabbits foot will bring you luck, think of what it did for the rabbit!
You can observe a lot by just watching!!
Be careful of Health Food Books, you might die of a misprint.
Life begins when the kids leave and the dog dies.
The scramble to get into college is so difficult, some students will put up with any thing - even studying.
Warning: Dates on the calendar are closer than they appear.
My doctor told me to take something nice and warm, so I took his coat.
More fun than a barrel of potatoes.
Veni, Vidi, Visa (I came, I saw, I went shopping)
Here's a verse that isn't so funny.
There's too much month at the end of the money.
In writing exams, some students change the course of history.
A little knowledge may be dangerous, but it sure beats a blank page!
"My greatest fear is of not to be remembered." -unknown-
The chief function of your body is to carry your brain around.
There's no problem naming your kids if you have rich relatives.
Confidence is what you feel before you fully understand the situation.
If at first you don't succeed, try hard not to look surprised.
If things sound easy, there's probably a part you didn't hear.
Spanking is a bum rap.
September is when thoughts of school brighten millions of happy faces - They belong to parents.
1st rule for playing houseshoes: Remove the horse!
I'm going to stop procrastinating - starting tomorrow.
Forgetfulness is sure annoying - but you do sleep better.
The main use of a flashlight is to store dead batteries.
Things are looking up! I used to eat beans and macaroni, now I'm eating legumes and pasta!
It's easier to keep your temper when the other guy is bigger.
I am out. I have gone looking for myself. If I return before I get back, please ask me to wait.
If you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me!
I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired!
When Irish eyes are smiling, they're usually up to something.
How come the Irish have no salad dressing?
I told you a million times, never exaggerate!!
Rules for healthy teeth:
1. Brush your teeth after meals
2. Visit your dentist regularly
3. Mind your own business
They found a cure for the common cold. It cost $495. It's some vitamins and a plane ticket to Miami.
My blind date didn't turn out so well, turned out she could see!
My car is so old, it has air bags you blow up yourself.
Daffynitions
Index- what playing cards come in
Intense- where campers sleep
Infantry- sapling
Forensics- ten
Fahrenheit- moderately tall
Alpo- the guy who wrote "The Raven"
Alternate- what we all do after we turn seven
I'm so glad the sky is painted blue and the earth is painted green,
And such a lot of fresh air is sandwiched in-between.
Fall is gone, Winter is over
Soon the lilacs will be mauver!
Apparently, tobacco companies have found a cure for old age.
If it's true that loosing build "character", I already have all the "character" I need!
If you're willing to admit it when you're all wrong, then you're alright.
Join the Army, see the world, Meet interesting people and kill them.
April is when the green returns to the trees, grass and to Revenue Canada.
Smoking is one of the leading cause of statistics.
Some people would have no inner life if it wasn't for tape worms.
Poor spellers of the world UNTIE!
Anyone who goes to see a psychiatrist should get his head examined!
Frog talk: "Time's fun when you're having flies!"
Before Mother Nature knew we would wear glassed, how did she know where to put our ears?
"Be yourself" is the worst advice you can give to some people.
I'm flirting with vegetarianism - mostly between meals
A fool and his money are soon popular.
Conscience: That annoying time between naps
If you feel good, don't worry, it won't last long.
How come people who are referred to as "immortal" are all dead?
If you've seen one Nuclear Holocaust, you've seen them all!
Kleptomaniacs should have something to take for it.
Join the flat earth society and broaden your horizons
He who laughs last, obviously didn't get the joke!
Sometimes I wake up grumpy, sometimes I let him sleep in.
Hor D'oeuvres: a ham sandwich cut into 40 pieces.
The one L Lama
He's a priest.
The two L Llama
He's a beast.
And I'll bet
A silk pajama
There's isn't any three L Lllama
OIC
I'm in a 10-der mood 2-day and feeling poetic 2;
4 fun I'll just ____off a line and send it off 2 U.
I'm sorry U've been 6 so long; Don't B disconsol-8
But bear your ill with 42'd and they won't seen so gr-8.
Life is like a box of chocolates - full of nuts!
"War does not determine who is right, just who is left.!"
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
There's always one more bug.
Just a little reminder: If you have any funny sayings like these, send them to me